Stupid Bible Stories part 151 – Turtles Make You Clean Again


turtles-queen-wilhelmina-state-park-arkLeviticus 15:25-30 KJV
25 And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean.
26 Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation.
27 And whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean, and shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
28 But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean.
29 And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.
30 And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness.

OK, so God thinks that a woman is unclean when she is menstruating.   It’s wrong for a man to even be around her.    Heck, everything she even touches is dirty too.  I mean were people really this screwed up back then?  Normal body functions were cause to have to remove yourself totally from society.  But that’s not even the stupid part.

The thing that caught my eye was the way to be clean again.  You have to sacrifice at the alter.  And it’s very specific about what.  God wants two turtles.


What the heck.  Turtles.  I mean how the &#*@ is that going to help?  Is there something valuable about a turtle?  Maybe we should be researching exactly what it is about a turtle that would make you clean.  I can see it now, mass dissection of turtles looking for what it is that God might possibly want in them.

I’ve actually lost sleep over this one.  What the hell could anyone want with turtles?  It’s just staggering.

About Gazoo

I'm a network engineer in the Phoenix area. Political conservative and atheist since age 10
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