Stupid Bible Stories part 168 – Kill The Turtledoves For Jesus


Luke 2:19-24 ESVCrow-Gull-Attack-Dove
19 But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart.
20 And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.
21 And at the end of eight days, when he was circumcised, he was called Jesus, the name given by the angel before he was conceived in the womb.
22 And when the time came for their purification according to the Law of Moses, they brought him up to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord
23 (as it is written in the Law of the Lord, “Every male who first opens the womb shall be called holy to the Lord”)
24 and to offer a sacrifice according to what is said in the Law of the Lord, “a pair of turtledoves, or two young pigeons.”

OK, I know you guys think that Jesus changed everything.  But that whole “new covenant” thing comes from Paul, not Jesus.

This story to me illustrates perfectly that Jesus didn’t have anything different.  First off he was circumcised.  Paul openly spoke against circumcision

But the piece I think is really stupid here is they felt the need to kill two birds for Jesus.  I mean this is just mean.  The birds didn’t do anything wrong, but the bloodthirsty God still needs them.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 167 – God Wants You To Trust Him More Than Your Own Thoughts


Proverbs 3:4-5 KJVgod-car-crash
4 So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man.
5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

Not much to say about this one.  It’s pretty obvious they don’t want you to think for yourself because they know you’ll see it’s silly.

Problem is when you do this you end up in a car crash.  I think the guy should have trusted the brake first.

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Stupid Bible Story part 166 – Eat Your Son


baby-found-in-sandwich-9813-1245352489-152 Kings 6:28-30 ESV
28 And the king asked her, “What is your trouble?” She answered, “This woman said to me, ‘Give your son, that we may eat him today, and we will eat my son tomorrow.’
29 So we boiled my son and ate him. And on the next day I said to her, ‘Give your son, that we may eat him.’ But she has hidden her son.”
30 When the king heard the words of the woman, he tore his clothes—now he was passing by on the wall—and the people looked, and behold, he had sackcloth beneath on his body—

This is exactly what faith does.  The woman had faith that another woman would be as evil as her.

I have no idea why this crap is even in the Bible.  They dropped several other Gospels but kept insane stories about eating your kids.  What is wrong with you people?    I’ve read the stuff around this a few time and there isn’t even a coherent point.  I mean my takeaway is to not be a sucker.  But I’m pretty sure that’s not on the Christian agenda.   And I’m pretty sure I could have come up with something a little less evil than this deal.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 165 – The Earth Was Made From Water


water-62 Peter 3:5-7 ESV
5 For they deliberately overlook this fact, that the heavens existed long ago, and the earth was formed out of water and through water by the word of God,
6 and that by means of these the world that then existed was deluged with water and perished.
7 But by the same word the heavens and earth that now exist are stored up for fire, being kept until the day of judgment and destruction of the ungodly.

No, I didn’t overlook anything.  Saying the Earth was made from water isn’t a fact.  It’s just stupid.

Then of course there’s the fear-mongering about destroying the Earth two different ways.  Do they really expect that we are going to buy this?

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Stupid Bible Story part 164 – Stars Falling From The Sky


Revelation 9:1-4 KJVearly-earth-ocean-moon-asteroids-art-desk-1024
1 And the fifth angel sounded, and I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth: and to him was given the key of the bottomless pit.
2 And he opened the bottomless pit; and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the smoke of the pit.
3 And there came out of the smoke locusts upon the earth: and unto them was given power, as the scorpions of the earth have power.
4 And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree; but only those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads.

How come God didn’t know those star things were huge?

How come God didn’t know that a pit would eventually hit liquid metal then the other side so it can’t be bottomless?

How come God didn’t know that locusts can’t come out of fire and aren’t smart enough to stick with attacking only the people he wants?

This God character sure is a dumbass for being omniscient.  It’s almost like the people who wrote this crap dropped some acid and weren’t all that educated even by the standards of a couple of thousand years ago.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 163 – God Hates Bacon


baconDeuteronomy 14:8 KJV
8 And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you: ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcase.

OK, honestly since the NFL is starting today I’ve been saving this one for a couple of months and was going to say God hates the NFL since they touch dead pig skin all day long.  The only problem is I looked it up.  They don’t actually use pig leather anymore.  That’s too bad.  I would have been funny.

But still, this says that bacon and pork are unclean and you shouldn’t even touch it much less eat it.   The Muslims and Jews still stick with that even though we know that it’s totally safe to eat as long as you cook it throughly.

So anyhow all you bacon cheeseburger loving Christians out there, God disapproves of what you are doing.  I just wonder how many of you are going to be doing time in Hell on a bacon wrap.  I can hear it now….how did you get here?  Well, I had a BLT last Saturday and didn’t repent.  Makes total sense to me.

So the takeaway here is that Jews and Muslims both take God’s word more serious than the Christians do.  I guess I should take that as a step in the right direction for the Christians.  This is so asinine they know enough to ignore it.

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Stupid Bible Story part 162 – More Flat Earth Nonsense


4+Angels+holding+the+4+WindsRevelation 7:1-4 KJV
1 And after these things I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth, that the wind should not blow on the earth, nor on the sea, nor on any tree.
2 And I saw another angel ascending from the east, having the seal of the living God: and he cried with a loud voice to the four angels, to whom it was given to hurt the earth and the sea,
3 Saying, Hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of our God in their foreheads.
4 And I heard the number of them which were sealed: and there were sealed an hundred and forty and four thousand of all the tribes of the children of Israel.

After awhile you’d think it would get hard to keep finding stupid stories.  I mean I’ve done 161 of them before this and the book is only so big.  How much asinine crap is there?

When you think you are stuck all you have to do is open up Revelation.  It reads like a bad acid trip start to finish.  That’s just what I did here.  I just randomly clicked on one of the chapters and that’s what I got.

So there are angels standing on the four corners of Earth here.  I’m not sure what the **** God thinks Earth looks like but it doesn’t have corners.  They are there keeping the wind from blowing.  Kinda wondering how that’s supposed to work too.  The wind is the atmosphere sloshing around as the Earth turns.  Thinking that just standing in four corners that don’t exist might stop it is nuts.

I would note I found two paintings of this.  I love paintings because they show how silly it would look.  Neither one of them showed the corners.  This one shows four morons in space where there is no air holding back orange gas.  It’s awesome.

Then another angel shows up and wants to stamp the forehead of believers with “God’s seal.”  Is this like a stamp you get when you to to a club to prove you paid the cover?

But then the kicker.  There’s only 144,000 of you morons who are getting in.  I thought that Studio 54 was tough to get in back in the 1970s but holy crap.  That means that only 0.0024% of you morons have it right.  Think about that the next time you are sure you are getting the nod.

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Stupid Question of the Week – Atheists Have The Burden Of Proof


Yes, I know not actually a question.  What do you expect from a dumbass?




So let’s count the logic mistakes here

1- Shifting the burden of proof.  Very obvious right off and a formal fallacy.  The person making the positive claim has that one and for very obvious reasons.  You make a claim you are the one who needs to provide evidence why it might be true.  Getting to the truth STARTS with evidence, not the claim.  The reason this is so important to them is simple.  They don’t have any actual evidence to back up any of it.

2- Appeal to popularity.  Saying that a lot of people believe something doesn’t mean it’s true on any level.    Formal logic error here too.  But the funny thing is 2/3 of the world doesn’t believe this story so even if it weren’t it would be negative evidence.

3- Reported eyewitnesses – Well that one is funny.  Note they don’t have actual eyewitnesses.  They just have rumors of them and this assclown thinks that makes for evidence.  Let me help you out.  Evidence is something that you can hand me and I can examine.  It’s only good evidence if it doesn’t have alternate explanations that make more sense.  The Bible has lots of explanations that make more sense given that it doesn’t even know how people got here.

4- Unsupported claim on that prophecy bit.  Let’s be real here.  I can point out TONS of misses.  All they do is go though a bunch of mental gymnastics to say that it has been.  It’s crap.  Anyone who takes any time at all to look at it knows it’s crap.  It’s exactly why the Jews don’t believe in Jesus.  He didn’t make most of the prophecy.  The prophecy in Revelation calls for a seven headed dragon wearing crowns on it’s heads to show up and knock stars out of the sky with it’s tail.  That will be a neat trick.  How come the God doesn’t know those things are really far away…..and HUGE?

5- Pascal’s Wager— Let’s see there are a bunch just in that alone.  The basic one is that it assumes way fewer possibilities than there are and it assumes the possibilities are equal with no evidence given to support that.  You can also easily come up with scenerios that you are taking a bigger risk by picking a god out of the thousands that people have believed in.  Maybe Odin only gets pissed if you pick a competing god?

We can’t help people who are this stupid and we shouldn’t try.  I mean if you really can’t deal with the basics in how to logically follow though a problem you are going to have to believe whatever asinine thing you hear.  Folks, talking to morons like this is a waste of time.  You can do it in public but you have to mock it.  Making rational points to someone like this is like giving antibiotics to someone who died a few days ago.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 161 – Brother To The Dragons


Job 30:26-31 KJV
26 When I looked for good, then evil came unto me: and when I waited for light, there came darkness.
27 My bowels boiled, and rested not: the days of affliction prevented me.
28 I went mourning without the sun: I stood up, and I cried in the congregation.
29 I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls.
30 My skin is black upon me, and my bones are burned with heat.
31 My harp also is turned to mourning, and my organ into the voice of them that weep.

Brother to dragons and companion to owls.  This is one seriously messed up dude.

His bowels are boiling.  Maybe he should lay off the Mexican food.  Evil came unto him.  Yes, I’ve had girl friends like that too.  His bones are burned with heat.  OK, now that one is just dumb.

I mean what the hell?  Where do theses guys come up with this crap?  Although I do have to admit looking for a picture for this one was fun.  Google “brother to dragons” and look for images.  You get Ninja comic book stuff.  All very appropriate.  But I think I’ll just skip the graphic on this one.

This is from Job.  I guess if God screwed me over the way he did Job I’d be a little screwed up too.  All because of some gambling issue that God has with Satan.  That’s right, they screwed him over because of a friendly bet.  Satan said he’d turn on God if his life wasn’t so good.  God said he was just that much of a sucker for God.  God was right, but holy crap.  Being friends with God as a mortal really sucks.

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Fellow Conservatives – Our Side Is Wrong About Gay Marriage


Conservatives like to say they are the ones for liberty and freedom.  I know that I am.  So why the hell are you flipping out that someone was given the right to marry who they want?Phelps-Gay-Marriage

No kidding, we should have had the lead on this one.  Even 5 years ago most everyone was against this.  I wasn’t.  I never saw it as a states rights issue.  States shouldn’t have such rights.  It’s not OK for the state to tell you how to live.  I never saw it as anything other than what it was.  It was government telling people what they couldn’t do with their life.  It was government telling them they didn’t have the right to pursue the happiness they wanted.  Notice they weren’t hurting anyone.  They weren’t even doing anything that effects anyone else.  They just wanted to live their lives the way they thought would make them happy.

Let me make it clear, I don’t for a second get the gays wanting to marry each other.  But they do, and that means I don’t have the right to stand in their way.

I don’t get why some of the conservatives that I know are flipping out here.  You’d think they were told their marriages didn’t count now.  You’d think that something catastrophic happened here.  It doesn’t change one thing for you.  Get over it for petes sake.

This one seems like such a no brainer to me.  The Libertarians have had it right for all the right reasons for a long time.  Generally that pulls the rest of us in.  It got me years ago.  We should have been the ones to push this, not the liberals.  The liberals mostly are using it to make our side look like tyrannical morons.  AND THEY ARE RIGHT.  It’s true that a very short time ago they were on the same side as us.  Gay marriage wasn’t even taken seriously for either side.  But supporting the ban is doing exactly the type of thing you claim to hate.  They have a huge political issue here that should have been ours.  I honestly saw the push from the libertarian right way before the left jumped in

Yes, I know, your religion tells you gays are evil and Leviticus says you ought to kill them.  You aren’t actually doing that because you know it’s wrong.  Leave them alone and let them do what they want and I’m with you that they should leave you alone.  You don’t have to like them.  You don’t have to respect them or the way they are living.  But you do have to let them be free and equal under the law.

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