Stupid Bible Stories part 109 – Golden Calves

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Exodus 32:2-5 KJV
2  And Aaron said unto them, Break off the golden earrings, which are in the ears of your wives, of your sons, and of your daughters, and bring them unto me.
3  And all the people brake off the golden earrings which were in their ears, and brought them unto Aaron.
4  And he received them at their hand, and fashioned it with a graving tool, after he had made it a molten calf: and they said, These be thy gods, O Israel, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt.
5  And when Aaron saw it, he built an altar before it; and Aaron made proclamation, and said, To morrow is a feast to the LORD.

So how the heck does this happen?  These people supposedly followed this God around for 40 years while he was dropping food out of the sky.  They saw him part the Red Sea and bring plague after plague on the Egyptians.  How it might be possible to have them turn to another god is totally out of the realm of anything realistic.

But that’s not the only part that’s stupid here.

Where the hell did nomadic slaves manage to get enough gold to make it?

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Stupid Bible Stories part 108 – God Hates Photos

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Exodus 20:4-6 KJV
4  Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth:
5  Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;
6  And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

I’ve seen a lot of funny ideas about this one.  Most Christians say it’s about idols.  But it says ANYTHING.  That includes things on Earth, in the water, and in Heaven.

There’s not a lot of wiggle room there.  Photos are out and it’s one of the big ten.  Heck, the picture I posted is of something that was supposed to be on Earth, so I guess I’m screwed to.  Oh wait…already there.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 107 – Sodom and Gomorrah are Still Burning.

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Jude 1:7 KJV
7 Even as Sodom and Gomorrah, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.

So it’s “eternal fire” is it.  Why haven’t we found this place.  Ought to simple to spot at night from an airplane.

Get this straight….Jude was one of the disciples  He wasn’t saying the people were in Hell.  He was saying the cities were burned with an eternal fire.  They should still be burning then.

It is a small thing.  But it does illustrate how easily religions toss around asinine claims.  Let’s face it, even the most literal fundie is going to object to taking this one at face value.  But it says what it says.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 106 – How Strong is God

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Personally I was always told that God was as strong as it gets.  But what’s the Bible say?

Numbers 24:6-8 KJV
6  As the valleys are they spread forth, as gardens by the river’s side, as the trees of lign aloes which the LORD hath planted, and as cedar trees beside the waters.
7  He shall pour the water out of his buckets, and his seed shall be in many waters, and his king shall be higher than Agag, and his kingdom shall be exalted.
8  God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows.unicorn-rainbow-247x300

Wait…what….

So God has the strength of a….. UNICORN????

I’d certainly think that the omnipotent maker of the entire 125 billion galaxy Universe would be stonger than a unicorn.  But apparently not.

Christians, you are free to gripe about the translation all you want on this one.  I don’t know why you hire such shitty translators to do your holy book, but let’s just say on this on you’re right.

OK, it doesn’t really mean a unicorn.  It might mean an ox or a rhino or any other damn thing.  So that means your God is only as strong as one of them

Feel better now?

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Stupid Bible Story part 105 – The Exodus That Never Was.

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So….why do Hebrews show none of the signs of being enslaved by the Egyptians?  Surely the Moses story is one you believe.  It is pretty much the entire biases for the Jewish faith.

Slavery always has a few things it does.  Slaves aren’t allowed to speak their native language.  Why?  Well captors don’t understand it and it would be dangerous.  They might plot an insurrection.  The Hebrews were supposed to be enslaved for several generations.  That would have effectively wiped out their language.  Instead Hebrew is very much intact and shows little Egyptian influence

I picked out a Christian source here, so the bias would be toward Christians: http://hebrew4christians.com/Grammar/Unit_One/History/history.html  That lists the history of Hebrew from a Christian perspective.  They couldn’t even find enough to include Egyptian influence which ought to have been massive.

http://jewish-art.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/ancient-jewish-art-floor-beit-alpha-synagogue.jpg

Example of Jewish floor mosaic.

Second, art is always influenced.  The slaves build things so their art gets incorporated into the projects.  There are clear examples of this in Roman culture and the American south.  But there is no Hebrew influence on Egyptian art.  They have times that they are influenced by the Nubians, but not Hebrews.

Hebrew art also shows no Egyptian influence, so if they did by some odd chance compel it,

Example of African art from the U.S. during slavery

it doesn’t show.  That’s just not how it usually works.  The captors prefer the art to be good more than they care about the specifics of style.  Sothe artists are generally able to use the style they are practiced at.

http://www.aeraweb.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/lcs1.jpg

Aera North Street Gate House

Finally, there is massive archeology in Egypt.  The main building projects were built entirely by paid labor.  There is no sign of mass slavery in Egypt at the time at all, much less Hebrew slaves.  Egypt did keep slaves when they came under Roman influence.  But nothing at the time matches the story.  Slavery is pretty easy to read.  You have chains and shackles and poor living conditions.  The living quarters at the Pyramids, Valley of the Kings, and several cities have all been found.  They clearly were not slaves.  They mummified, had decent tombs, had decent living arrangements and food.  Not only that, there are actual records of them being paid and so forth.

The Exodus never happened.  It couldn’t have.

Jesus talked about it a few places

Matthew 19:7-8 KJV
7  They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?
8  He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

Mark 7:10 KJV For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death:

In fact, a quick search of just the four Gospels turns up the name “Moses” 57 times most of which are direct quotes from Jesus.  That’s pretty odd for a person who wasn’t even real.  You would think the Son of God would have known that at the very least the story was horribly distorted.

How could such a basic story be so wrong?

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Stupid Bible Stories part 104 – When is Revelation Going to Happen

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Revelation 1:1-4 KJV
1  The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass; and he sent and signified it by his angel unto his servant John:
2  Who bare record of the word of God, and of the testimony of Jesus Christ, and of all things that he saw.
3  Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.
4  John to the seven churches which are in Asia: Grace be unto you, and peace, from him which is, and which was, and which is to come; and from the seven Spirits which are before his throne;

So all this weird crap is supposed to happen in the future.  I’d encourage you guys to read it.  The whole chapter reads like old John got some funny mushrooms and went on a little trip without ever leaving home.  But it says this is from God and Jesus directly and it’s going to happen.  But when?

“things which must shortly come to pass”

Really?  Shortly come to pass is it?  Well…to be fair it’s only been 2000 years.  I mean that could be shortly.  Right?  You might pull that off if it didn’t go on.  I mean I wouldn’t buy it, but if you are dealing with a immortal being I guess it might be that 2000 years was short.  Kind of misses the point though.  He’s talking to guys that only live a few decades.  A really smart god would take that into account.

“for the time is at hand”

Well, now you really do have a problem.  At hand means it’s started or at least starting now.  What the heck?

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Stupid Bible Stories part 103 – Rabbits Chew Cud

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Leviticus 11:3-6 KJV
3  Whatsoever parteth the hoof, and is clovenfooted, and cheweth the cud, among the beasts, that shall ye eat.
4  Nevertheless these shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.
5  And the coney, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.
6  And the hare, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.

I let this one go for quite awhile because it’s very often used.  It seems minor, but it’s still stupid.

But hey, God…..Rabbits and hares don’t chew cud like cows do.  I’m actually a bit shocked that the goat herders who wrote this didn’t know.  I have to assume they hunted and would have noticed that rabbits didn’t have the multiple stomaches that cud chewers have.

But what really happened here is that rabbits make a chewing motion regularly and they just assumed.  If this section really was written by the god who made it all he would have known better.  But of course it wasn’t.

And on another level of stupidity, why forbid eating rabbit?  Rabbit is plentiful and downright delicious.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 102 – The Resurrection

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It’s Easter so I have to do this one.

Matthew 28:1-7 KJV
1  In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre.
2  And, behold, there was a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.
3  His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow:
4  And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became as dead men.
5  And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.
6  He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.
7  And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: lo, I have told you.

This one being stupid is a no brainer.  It’s stupid just on the face of it.  People don’t come back from the dead.  I don’t really need to even elaborate.  If you have to invoke magic, you have a stupid story.

But it’s got another big problem.  The accounts don’t even match.

I’ve asked a number of times for a time-line with exactly who was present at all the major things here.  Just cover the trial, who was there when the stone was back, who saw Jesus when.  How the stone got moved.  I never get it.  I’ll make you guys a deal…I’ll do a whole post starting with your time-line if you send me one from the contact form.

There’s a reason.  It’s not possible to construct one.  There are four different answers to who saw Jesus first for instance.  It’s crazy that such an important event wouldn’t have a coherent story.  I’d certainly know who was around if this happened to me.

 

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Stupid Bible Stories part 101 – Smited for Saving the Ark of the Covenant

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File:Tissot Moses and Joshua in the Tabernacle.jpg1 Chronicles 13:7-10 KJV
7  And they carried the ark of God in a new cart out of the house of Abinadab: and Uzza and Ahio drave the cart.
8  And David and all Israel played before God with all their might, and with singing, and with harps, and with psalteries, and with timbrels, and with cymbals, and with trumpets.
9  And when they came unto the threshingfloor of Chidon, Uzza put forth his hand to hold the ark; for the oxen stumbled.
10  And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzza, and he smote him, because he put his hand to the ark: and there he died before God.

OK God, the guy was trying to save the damn thing.  You should have been grateful.  But then you just completely lost your head and fried the poor guy.

Christians wonder why we think their God is a sadistic freak.  It’s stuff like this.  Honestly, talk about petty and insane.  Here’s a great example.

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Stupid Bible Story part 100 – Moving Mountains

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File:Mt. Everest from Gokyo Ri November 5, 2012 Cropped.jpgMark 11:23-24 KJV
23  For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.
24  Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.

So….have any Christians actually managed this one?  Jesus says you can.  You just have to believe.

Was Jesus lying?  Has there NEVER been anyone who believed?  Gotta be one of the two.

I’ll make you guys a deal right now.  I can see a mountain out my window.  It’s on the west side of Phoenix and it’s called White Tank Mountain.  There’s a county park there and it shows on any map of the area.  You guys are always saying you have evidence, well here we have a testable prediction.  Jesus says you can move it, so move it.

Just post here in the comments the day before.  You can get together with the whole damn church and pray.  Taking it all the way to the ocean like it says might be a bit far and you might crush LA, so let’s just go for about 2 miles.  Nothing out there but desert anyhow so it should be safe enough.

I personally guarantee you that you will save my soul if you can pull it off.

But we both know that’s not going to happen, don’t we?  Makes me think that you don’t really believe it either.

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