Stupid Bible Stories part 130 – Genocide Never Smelled So Good

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Noahs_ArkGenesis 8:19-21 KJV
(19)  Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark.
(20)  And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.
(21)  And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake; for the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.

So God thinks that after killing everyone including innocent babies the entire place has a “Sweet Savor” of genocide.

I’m just trying to picture what that would actually smell like.  Mud and rotting bodies….with Noah burning offerings on the alter.  Sounds freakin’ awesome.  Do you think God likes the smell of napalm in the morning too?

I wonder, how many animals are extinct now because Noah had to burn them for God to smell?

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Stupid Bible Stories part 129 – Jesus Tells Everyone About Judas

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JudasJohn 13:19-26 KJV
(19)  Now I tell you before it come, that, when it is come to pass, ye may believe that I am he.
(20)  Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that receiveth whomsoever I send receiveth me; and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me.
(21)  When Jesus had thus said, he was troubled in spirit, and testified, and said, Verily, verily, I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me.
(22)  Then the disciples looked one on another, doubting of whom he spake.
(23)  Now there was leaning on Jesus’ bosom one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved.
(24)  Simon Peter therefore beckoned to him, that he should ask who it should be of whom he spake.
(25)  He then lying on Jesus’ breast saith unto him, Lord, who is it?
(26)  Jesus answered, He it is, to whom I shall give a sop, when I have dipped it. And when he had dipped the sop, he gave it to Judas Iscariot, the son of Simon.

This all happed at the Last Super.  Apparently Jesus pretty much told Judas to do it.

This whole thing makes the rest of the story suicide.  Jesus wanted it to happen.  There is no other way to take it.   Later on the Romans are tipped by Judas kissing Jesus that it was him.  If he knew and it wasn’t suicide, then Judas shouldn’t have gotten close to him.

This guy Jesus was totally batshit insane.  He wanted to be the martyr.  He wanted to be tortured to death.  He was such a zealot he practically did it to himself.

If this doesn’t point out that he was just another screwed up cult leader I don’t know what else will.  It’s just like Jim Jones drinking his own Kool-Aide.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 128 – Rib Woman

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SuperStock_900-145375~Creation-of-Eve-PostersGenesis 2:21-25 KJV
(21)  And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
(22)  And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
(23)  And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
(24)  Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
(25)  And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Now that’s just funny there….

God needs to take one of Adam’s ribs to make a woman out of.  This after poofing the entire 125 billion galaxy Universe into existence in an instant.

I also love the fact that he had to put Adam to sleep to do this.  I mean is this supposed to be an operation here?  Why would he need to put Adam under when he just does everything with magic?

And that’s another thing, he actually needed to close up the wound.  I mean magic doesn’t require cutting.  This is all very confusing here.

Or maybe not.  It could just be a stupid story to keep women in their place.  You know…the kind of thing a Bronze Age goat herder might come up with.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 127 – Parting The Red Sea

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moses_red_sea_ret_rays_flareExodus 14:20-23 KJV
(20)  And it came between the camp of the Egyptians and the camp of Israel; and it was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these: so that the one came not near the other all the night.
(21)  And Moses stretched out his hand over the sea; and the LORD caused the sea to go back by a strong east wind all that night, and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided.
(22)  And the children of Israel went into the midst of the sea upon the dry ground: and the waters were a wall unto them on their right hand, and on their left.
(23)  And the Egyptians pursued, and went in after them to the midst of the sea, even all Pharaoh’s horses, his chariots, and his horsemen.

The whole Exodus story is silly.  The archeology doesn’t support a word of it.  The linguistics of being slaves would have totally killed Hebrew.

But this is probably the worse bit for shear stupidity.  God “hardens Pharaoh’s heart” so he goes chasing after these guys.  There’s no one who would have been though what was claimed here who would have done that.  It’s insane.

But then the biggest magic trick of all is at the end of it.  Moses gets to have the entire Red Sea push back so a bunch of escaped slaves can walk right though.

Then the army chasing them turns into the biggest group of dumbasses in history and follows them only to be drowned when they get to the other side.  They already had been shown God’s murderous ways a number of times.  Who the hell would be willing to put themselves in that position?

But the trick itself is also stupid.  Lets face it, having a wind strong enough to push back a sea would mean you couldn’t stand up either.  You are less dense than water.

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White Tail Chapel – Church In The Buff

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OK, I admit it.  I’m easily amused and this really did it for me.

Being in a clothing optional church is funny enough.  But the naked preacher….priceless.  And the name “White Tail” is just beyond anything I could have hoped for.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 126 – Trumpets As A Siege Weapon

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Joshua 6:13-20Jericho
(13)  And seven priests bearing seven trumpets of rams’ horns before the ark of the LORD went on continually, and blew with the trumpets: and the armed men went before them; but the rereward came after the ark of the LORD, the priests going on, and blowing with the trumpets.
(14)  And the second day they compassed the city once, and returned into the camp: so they did six days.
(15)  And it came to pass on the seventh day, that they rose early about the dawning of the day, and compassed the city after the same manner seven times: only on that day they compassed the city seven times.
(16)  And it came to pass at the seventh time, when the priests blew with the trumpets, Joshua said unto the people, Shout; for the LORD hath given you the city.
(17)  And the city shall be accursed, even it, and all that are therein, to the LORD: only Rahab the harlot shall live, she and all that are with her in the house, because she hid the messengers that we sent.
(18)  And ye, in any wise keep yourselves from the accursed thing, lest ye make yourselves accursed, when ye take of the accursed thing, and make the camp of Israel a curse, and trouble it.
(19)  But all the silver, and gold, and vessels of brass and iron, are consecrated unto the LORD: they shall come into the treasury of the LORD.
(20)  So the people shouted when the priests blew with the trumpets: and it came to pass, when the people heard the sound of the trumpet, and the people shouted with a great shout, that the wall fell down flat, so that the people went up into the city, every man straight before him, and they took the city.

So just imagine this one.  Instead of actually attacking the city God has them walk around it with the vuvuzela….and damned if it doesn’t work.

That’s right, annoy the crap out of the enemy for a week and their fortifications just crumble.

Here’s the thing, they were doing it to steal their treasure.  I thought that God had issues with things like that.  Something about one of the Commandments or some such thing.  But hey….when it’s his “chosen people” it’s pretty much in the bag that it is just peachy.

 

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Stupid Bible Story part 125 – Looking For Adam’s Mate

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Genesis 2:18-20 KJVAdam-naming-animals-by-Theophanes-at-Meteora-04_zpsa983d6cc
(18)  And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
(19)  And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
(20)  And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

Yes that’s right, God and Adam went though every animal looking for a mate for Adam.

Now it’s bad enough God managed to get the male/female thing right for all the other animals but then he somehow screwed it up for Adam.  But this idiot decided to check out all those animals first.  So just picture him and Adam going though 30,000 different beetles.  Adam has to name each one mind you and yes just like the painting he’s naked as the day he was born.  Oh….well it was the day he was born as if that might make it LESS stupid.

While they are at it they are checking them out to see if this is somehow compatible as a mate for Adam.

Did he forget that he made them?  Does he think that a human might just go for a goat?  The whole thing really is too stupid for words.

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It Almost Pisses Me Off That I Have To Say Pat Robertson Is Right About Something

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But it is true.  The TV pastor that I thought was the biggest jackass out there did manage to get one right.  I know….I haven’t been able to sleep either.  But watch

This was on The 700 Club in response to the debate Ken Ham had with Bill Nye.

So even Pat Robertson can tell that Ken is a dumbass.  I’m not shocked that he knows it, I’m totally shocked that he was willing to say it publicly.  Let’s face it, he’s getting it from his own guys for this one.  A big chunk of the flock believes this 6000 year old Earth nonsense and all evidence to the contrary hasn’t swayed them.  You can’t think you are going to get many points with those folks by saying that the guys with The Creation Museum are having a pipe dream.

So it’s funny sitting here and laughing at them rip into each other over this.  It’s the clearest evidence to date that the current wave of atheism is giving them problems.   Pat sees that if you look like dumb asses people are going to slowly leak away until there aren’t enough to keep him in the lifestyle he’s grown accustom to, so he felt the need to try to slow it down.

Good luck there Pat.  It’s not going to work.  All it does is divide up the flock into separate groups that we can go after in different ways.  Because like it or not, science says Genesis is fantasy.  It doesn’t fit in time scale, order, mechanism, or anything else.  So if you want to take the stand that science is right because it’s painfully obvious that’s what the evidence says then we are going to ask you why you are a Christian if you don’t believe the Bible.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 124 – Sleeping With The Lions

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800px-Daniel_in_the_Lions'_Den_1613-1615_Peter_Paul_RubensDaniel 6:16-22 KJV
16  Then the king commanded, and they brought Daniel, and cast him into the den of lions. Now the king spake and said unto Daniel, Thy God whom thou servest continually, he will deliver thee.
17  And a stone was brought, and laid upon the mouth of the den; and the king sealed it with his own signet, and with the signet of his lords; that the purpose might not be changed concerning Daniel.
18  Then the king went to his palace, and passed the night fasting: neither were instruments of musick brought before him: and his sleep went from him.
19  Then the king arose very early in the morning, and went in haste unto the den of lions.
20  And when he came to the den, he cried with a lamentable voice unto Daniel: and the king spake and said to Daniel, O Daniel, servant of the living God, is thy God, whom thou servest continually, able to deliver thee from the lions?
21  Then said Daniel unto the king, O king, live for ever.
22  My God hath sent his angel, and hath shut the lions’ mouths, that they have not hurt me: forasmuch as before him innocency was found in me; and also before thee, O king, have I done no hurt.

What an asinine story.  The King is tricked into passing a law that gets his friend Daniel tossed in with lions.  Daniel prays and makes the night, so the King tosses in the guys who tricked him and they get eaten.  Like lions give a crap that you are praying.

This is just perfect for little kids.  In fact, I remember hearing the first part in Sunday School.  I guess the last bit was too damn bloody for them to tell us.

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So Another Snake Handling Minister Bites The Dust

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I did a “Stupid Bible Story” about this a while back: http://www.atheistmafia.com/index.php/2012/04/stupid-bible-stories-part-58-snake-in-the-church/

Pentecostals are really nuts.  It’s not uncommon for them to decide that it’s a good idea to play with venomous snakes in church.  Why would anyone do such a thing?  Well the Bible tells them to

Mark 16:18  They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.

Now I tongue in cheek ask Christians if they believe this one all the time, then offer to make the Kool Aide that would prove it  I’ve yet to have one actually take me up on it.  The reason is that down deep, they know the Bible is full of crap.  They just won’t admit it even to themselves.

But hey…moron number one from not quite two years ago

article-2152184-135E2B61000005DC-938_634x365Here’s the story about this one.

What is so damn amazing with this idiot is that his father died exactly the same way.  Let’s fact it, that should have been one hell of a clue.  You’d think Mom would have taught him to not be a moron after something like that, but he’s still just as dead.

The guy was bitten three times before this too and never went to the doctor.  If you are going to be stupid, you better be tough, and old Mac wasn’t as tough as the Bible said he wassnakehandling.  I guess we know that God lied now.

Why I bring this up now is we have a second moron from Saturday.

This is Jamie Coots.  Here’s his news story.  Apparently there was a reality show called “Snake Salvation” on National Geographic Channel about him and another moron from Tennessee.  I never caught it.  It ought to be a clue to you that you are being a dumbass if you are enough of a freak show that they come down with cameras and put you on TV for it.  These guys were hoping they would film…well….exactly what happened after they left.  They just should have stuck around.

Jamie got bitten on Saturday about 8pm.  He also decided that the Bible says it won’t hurt him so screw the doctors and their science.  He ran home to avoid the cops who were called, then refused to let the paramedics touch him because he believed that God wouldn’t let him die.  About 10 pm Jamie found out God was wrong.

How religion make you so insanely stupid is one thing I don’t think I’ll ever get.  I mean I get that the Bible says that.  I get that if you say you believe it, you ought to believe that you can do this.  But HOLY CRAP…..  Most Christians won’t take you up on it because they aren’t this far gone.

I’d like to write this off as simple natural selection, or just willful stupid.  But these morons die over this and they don’t seem to let it sink in.  I just can’t believe that it’s even possible that they could be this far out of what is real.

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