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noah arkThis is a serious question here.  I honestly want to know.  I’ve had theists that I like want to talk about it and I always end up laughing at them.

I’m actually embarrassed for someone who reads about Noah and takes it seriously.  It’s impossible about 20 different ways.  How can I stick to a logical conversion about it when the person on the other side is making it plain that they are ignoring what is reasonable and logical.

How can I tell someone what every fourth grader has enough education to know better than?  I mean their book says our problems came because a talking snake tricked one of our grand parents into eating fruit that magically gives them knowledge of good and evil.  Holy crap….I can’t reason with them if they think that.  It’s not even a little rational to think that.

What can I say to someone who thinks a guy could live inside a fish for three days?  What can I possibly say that would let them know that getting a hair cut couldn’t possibly make a guy weaker?  If that’s where you are, logic isn’t going to help.

My position is that the only thing I can do is point and laugh and hope that you snap out of it.  I mean I’m not sure what you are on, but damn it has your brain working rather oddly.

I’d like it to be different.  I’d like to be able to talk about it and use logic and reason.  I wouldn’t come across as such a dick.   But I can’t.  Logic and reason on a a person who has obviously decided against it is like giving medicine to the dead.

If any of you guys think you can, please comment.  I’d love to hear it.

 

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cherubEzekiel 1:1-6 KJV
1 Now it came to pass in the thirtieth year, in the fourth month, in the fifth day of the month, as I was among the captives by the river of Chebar, that the heavens were opened, and I saw visions of God.
2 In the fifth day of the month, which was the fifth year of king Jehoiachin’s captivity,
3 The word of the LORD came expressly unto Ezekiel the priest, the son of Buzi, in the land of the Chaldeans by the river Chebar; and the hand of the LORD was there upon him.
4 And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.
5 Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.
6 And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.

Well….I guess that answers the title question.  He was high as ****.  The dude was seeing crap that looked like a man, but had four faces and four wings.

What he is describing here is a Cherub.  No they aren’t the cute little babies with a bow that you’ve heard about.  Apparently theses things can burn you up if they don’t hide their firey body with the wings.

Now I’ve been pretty drunk before, but nothing like this.  Holy crap….  And then he came and told other people what he saw and for some weird reason they took it seriously.  This bronze age stoner is considered a prophet now.

And then Christians can’t figure out why I think they are gullible to the point of stupidity.

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So I ran across this on Amazon

 

Click the photo if you want one

Totally cool for you in the closet atheists that get drug to church all the time.  It might actually be enjoyable this way.

I would love to give it a test run for you, but I know that I couldn’t pull it off.  No one would buy it.  But it does make me wonder how many Christians engage in such behavior too.  Let’s face it, not many of us could pull it off.  It has a market.  Gotta mostly be them.

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parental_advisory_explicit_content-436x300Song of Solomon 5:1-5 KJV
1 I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk: eat, O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved.
2 I sleep, but my heart waketh: it is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew, and my locks with the drops of the night.
3 I have put off my coat; how shall I put it on? I have washed my feet; how shall I defile them?
4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.
5 I rose up to open to my beloved; and my hands dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock.

OK we all knew the Bible has some interesting sex stuff in it.  This one though is about anal sex it seems to me.  That whole “bowels moved” bit seems pretty obvious here.

The whole book of the Songs of Solomon is pretty much one sexual reference after another.  What the heck….were the guys who compiled it just looking for porn here?

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Genesis 4:14-17 KJVLand-of-Nod-East-of-Eden
14 Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.
15 And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.
16 And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden.
17 And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.

So we all know the creation fable in the Bible.  Adam is made by God from dirt.  Then God takes one on Adams ribs and makes Eve.  Then the talking snake gets them tossed out of Eden for telling them that knowledge is a good thing and they agree.  They have a a couple of kids (maybe more, it’s a little open ended) named Cain and Able.  Cain gets crap from God because his sacrifice wasn’t blood like Able’s, so he gets pissed and kills Able….because….well just because.  God then sends him away and he goes to live with people in the Land of Nod where he has a wife and a kid named Enoch.

The only problem here is where the %$#% did this people in the Land of Nod come from?  There wasn’t anyone else around.  That’s the story.  But out of nowhere this whole big place comes up where a brother murder can go and find chicks to shack up with.

Heck there was enough people here they needed a whole city.  It’s a pretty big jump no matter how you cut it.

The other thing about this that is pretty silly is that God marked Cain so that anyone who found him should kill him.  Well, that apparently didn’t work too well.  He’s out having kids and building cities and just having a fine time and no one lifts a finger to stop him.  You’d think that if an all powerful being wanted you dead, you’d damn well be dead.

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turtles-queen-wilhelmina-state-park-arkLeviticus 15:25-30 KJV
25 And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean.
26 Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation.
27 And whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean, and shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
28 But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean.
29 And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.
30 And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness.

OK, so God thinks that a woman is unclean when she is menstruating.   It’s wrong for a man to even be around her.    Heck, everything she even touches is dirty too.  I mean were people really this screwed up back then?  Normal body functions were cause to have to remove yourself totally from society.  But that’s not even the stupid part.

The thing that caught my eye was the way to be clean again.  You have to sacrifice at the alter.  And it’s very specific about what.  God wants two turtles.

TWO TURTLES……

What the heck.  Turtles.  I mean how the &#*@ is that going to help?  Is there something valuable about a turtle?  Maybe we should be researching exactly what it is about a turtle that would make you clean.  I can see it now, mass dissection of turtles looking for what it is that God might possibly want in them.

I’ve actually lost sleep over this one.  What the hell could anyone want with turtles?  It’s just staggering.

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lastjudPsalms 111:1-10 KJV
(1) Praise ye the LORD. I will praise the LORD with my whole heart, in the assembly of the upright, and in the congregation.
(2) The works of the LORD are great, sought out of all them that have pleasure therein.
(3) His work is honourable and glorious: and his righteousness endureth for ever.
(4) He hath made his wonderful works to be remembered: the LORD is gracious and full of compassion.
(5) He hath given meat unto them that fear him: he will ever be mindful of his covenant.
(6) He hath shewed his people the power of his works, that he may give them the heritage of the heathen.
(7) The works of his hands are verity and judgment; all his commandments are sure.
(8) They stand fast for ever and ever, and are done in truth and uprightness.
(9) He sent redemption unto his people: he hath commanded his covenant for ever: holy and reverend is his name.
(10) The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever.

Being afraid isn’t the beginning of anything useful much less wisdom or knowledge.  It only causes you to shrink from it like the Creationists do all the time.  This is exactly what is wrong with religion and exactly why it needs to go away.

But there’s more in this little poem that’s stupid.

2) The works of the LORD are great, sought out of all them that have pleasure therein.  But oddly we can’t find any of them.  It’s a nice claim, and it ought to be easy to verify, but these people didn’t know where the Sun went at night.  I’m pretty sure they were amazed by a lot of things we get now.

5) He hath given meat unto them that fear him: he will ever be mindful of his covenant.   Well….obvious lie here.  He hasn’t given anyone anything they can show us.

6) He hath shewed his people the power of his works, that he may give them the heritage of the heathen.  Again, nope.  For a god they claim does so much we’ve yet to see any of it.

9) He sent redemption unto his people: he hath commanded his covenant for ever: holy and reverend is his name.  For ever???  What about all that New Covenant crap Paul goes on about?

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Luke 17:6 KJV
6 And the Lord said, If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you.

So you usually hear the bit about moving mountains that’s right in front of this gem.  I already brought it up.  Of course you can’t no matter how much faith you have.

But Jesus had to double down with something even more asinine here.  He says that you can command a tree to pull itself up by the roots and plant itself in the sea.

I’d like to see either half of that one happen.  Planting a tree in the sea….and you wonder why we think this is all very idiotic…

In fact, I’ll make you Christians a deal.  You always ask me what it would take to get me to believe your stories.  Well…here you have it.  Let me watch you tell a tree to plant itself in the sea and have it actually do it.  You only need a tiny amount of faith according to Jesus himself, so it ought to work.

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I wasn’t even stoned and found this press release to be hilarious.  To be fair, I find most everything on GodHatesFags.com to be hilarious.  (P.S. – Do click that link, I’d love to show up in their referral logs)  But this one was special.  Seems that they decided to picket a few of the marijuana facilities in Colorado.

This is the official press release….like any press actually reads these things.  You should though, it’s quite a gem.

wbc-pressrelease

 

In case you don’t know who Westboro Baptist Church is they are the clowns who decided it would be a good idea to picket funeral holding up various signs including the infamous “God Hates Fags” ones.  Here is a photo:

westborobaptist

Now, why I find them funny rather than offensive.

Sorry guys, they are too stupid to offend me.   Let’s face it, they probably are actually following the Bible more than most.  The Bible pretty directly says that gays ought to be killed.  God must hate them if that’s the case.   And this inbred family of retards is just the jerkoffs to actually believe it.

But “sorceries.”   Sorry…that’s just funny there.  I mean even they ought to know that’s going to get a laugh.

Everything they do is like that.  Let’s face it, I have a hard time getting pissed off at the Klu Klux Klan for being racist too.  They are such jackasses about it that it’s funny.  Howard Stern had the right idea when he put them on the radio and just left them talk all the time.  He used to have a leader named Daniel Carver on pretty regularly.  His constant “Wake up white people” loses it’s sting really fast when you hear it all the time and you just start to laugh at the guy.  Howard was raised a Jew and is a public atheist, while is main side kick Robin is a black female.  They totally encourage Daniel to say what is on his mind when he is on.  They are even the targets of some of it, but they aren’t offended a bit.  It’s too silly to be offensive.  It’s like having a two year old call you a “poopyhead.”

I’m sure that stoned this would have been even funnier.  I can just see how this all went down.  I’m sure they were laughed at the entire day.

 

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moonPsalms 121:4-6 KJV
(4) Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
(5) The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
(6) The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.

Apparently the Sun and Moon smiting people used to be a problem.  They had to ask God to stop it and he did.

I mean I know that the Sun can give you cancer, but that’s not exactly smiting material.  But the Moon?  It’s pretty damn harmless by any standard.

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