Stupid Bible Stories part 141 – Kill a Half Million

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2 Chronicles 13:13-18 KJV
(13)  But Jeroboam caused an ambushment to come about behind them: so they were before Judah, and the ambushment was behind them.
(14)  And when Judah looked back, behold, the battle was before and behind: and they cried unto the LORD, and the priests sounded with the trumpets.
(15)  Then the men of Judah gave a shout: and as the men of Judah shouted, it came to pass, that God smote Jeroboam and all Israel before Abijah and Judah.
(16)  And the children of Israel fled before Judah: and God delivered them into their hand.
(17)  And Abijah and his people slew them with a great slaughter: so there fell down slain of Israel five hundred thousand chosen men.
(18)  Thus the children of Israel were brought under at that time, and the children of Judah prevailed, because they relied upon the LORD God of their fathers

They are killing off half a million Israelites here.  These are the people God likes.

A half million….that about the same as a city the size of Fresno or Tucson.  That’s more than the US lost in World War two.  It ten times the casualties of Gettysburg and that took three days.  It’s not even believable with modern weapons, let along swords.

Seriously…the point of the story here is that God is a prick, lets his own people get slaughtered in impossible numbers, doesn’t really care.

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God Drives Over a Motorcyclist

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What harm can religion do?  Well….it makes people do some really dumbass things.  I god-car-crashhave a great example here: http://www.journalgazette.net/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20140718/LOCAL07/307189988/1002/LOCAL

Here’s the best part of the article and it tells you all you really need to know

The car’s driver, 25-year-old Prionda C. Hill, told police she let go of the wheel shortly before the crash because “God told her he would take it from here,” according to the probable cause affidavit filed Thursday in Allen Superior Court.

No…she wasn’t drunk. There was some question about a Vicodin prescription, but that isn’t going to make you batshit insane like this.

Now here’s the thing, even you Christians see how asinine this is.  But why?  The Bible is filled with similar things and the person who lets God take over always wins.  So how come you don’t believe her?  God running someone over is nothing compared to Noah’s Flood.  Maybe the guy really deserved smiting and Ms. Hill was just in the right place and all she did was let God take over just like she said.

Is there anyone that can give me a reason you should believe that God told some guy he would stay super-human strong if he didn’t cut his hair, but you shouldn’t believe this nutcase?  Really…I want to know what you’d base that on.

 

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Stupid Bible Stories part 140 – Beat Your Kids

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SpankedWithSlideRule_NationalLampoonArtPosterBook1975Proverbs 23:13-14 KJV
(13)  Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
(14)  Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

Study after study shows that this isn’t effective.  It encourages avoidance behavior but doesn’t do a thing to change the underlying behavior when the person doing the beating isn’t there.  You’d think an omnipotent God would know…

It is more than that of course.  It says it saves you from Hell.  Apparently God doesn’t care if you want to do the bad thing after all.  He would rather you be beaten into submission and have you not do it out of fear.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 139 – Better Get Raped in the Countryside

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Deuteronomy 22:23-27 KJVCountry-road
(23) If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her;
(24) Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour’s wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.
(25) But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die:
(26) But unto the damsel thou shalt do nothing; there is in the damsel no sin worthy of death: for as when a man riseth against his neighbour, and slayeth him, even so is this matter:
(27) For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her.

So God’s position is that if you are raped and in town you ought to be able to scream loud enough that someone helps you out.  If you don’t then you and the guy who is rapeing you both get killed.

Nothing to add here.  At least if it happens in the middle of nowhere your safe.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 138 – Fed By Ravens

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Corvus corax/Common Raven1 Kings 17:1-6 KJV
(1) And Elijah the Tishbite, who was of the inhabitants of Gilead, said unto Ahab, As the LORD God of Israel liveth, before whom I stand, there shall not be dew nor rain these years, but according to my word.
(2) And the word of the LORD came unto him, saying,
(3) Get thee hence, and turn thee eastward, and hide thyself by the brook Cherith, that is before Jordan.
(4) And it shall be, that thou shalt drink of the brook; and I have commanded the ravens to feed thee there.
(5) So he went and did according unto the word of the LORD: for he went and dwelt by the brook Cherith, that is before Jordan.
(6) And the ravens brought him bread and flesh in the morning, and bread and flesh in the evening; and he drank of the brook.

So the best way to get food to Elijah is to have ravens bring it.  Holy crap….

How many freakin’ birds would this take?  Let’s face it, there would have to be quite a few to bring a man enough food.

Can’t imagine it actually being edible when they get it to him.  Let’s face it, ravens aren’t the cleanest animal.  And can you imagine what the flesh they could pick up would be like?  Roadkill stew sounds great by comparison.

Where the hell did they get bread too?  I’m picturing a bunch of them standing around an oven with little bird aprons on.  Is that what this implies?

They went out of the way to tell this one.  Let’s face it, we weren’t really all that concerned over how these guys get fed.  I don’t get making up such a silly way for it to happen.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 137 – Jesus Wears A Girdle

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Jesus candlesticks 77frRevelation 1:12-17 KJV
(12)  And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw seven golden candlesticks;
(13)  And in the midst of the seven candlesticks one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle.
(14)  His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire;
(15)  And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters.
(16)  And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength.
(17)  And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last:

OK, I went for the cheap headline.  It does say Jesus wears a golden girdle and has feet that look like brass.  That and he has white wool hair and flames in his eyes and a sword in his mouth, but that wasn’t the real stupid part.

Well….it was the stupid part.  Don’t get me wrong.  Jesus was one screwed up looking dude if this is all right here.  They even had to leave out the sword in the picture.  I  couldn’t find one with it in.  There is one at the Brick Testament if you want to see it in Lego, but I really like the ones the retards who buy this stuff do.  It’s so much funnier when they are serious.

But the real asinine part is the bit about holding seven stars.

To even say that means you don’t have a clue what the hell those things in the sky are.  That’s damn sure not a god who created it.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 136 – Guys With Four Faces

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Ezekiel 1:3-10 KJVFOUR-FACES
(3)  The word of the LORD came expressly unto Ezekiel the priest, the son of Buzi, in the land of the Chaldeans by the river Chebar; and the hand of the LORD was there upon him.
(4)  And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.
(5)  Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.
(6)  And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.
(7)  And their feet were straight feet; and the sole of their feet was like the sole of a calf’s foot: and they sparkled like the colour of burnished brass.
(8)  And they had the hands of a man under their wings on their four sides; and they four had their faces and their wings.
(9)  Their wings were joined one to another; they turned not when they went; they went every one straight forward.
(10)  As for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle.

Holy crap….four faces.  This is one messed up looking dude.

Old Ezekiel must have eaten the wrong mushroom on this day.  I mean I’d like to write it off to Sunstroke, but seriously.  This is way to screwed up.

Four faces, four wings, weird ass feet that it spends an entire verse describing.  Seriously guys, this is drug induced.

I found the artwork above trying to do it.  He couldn’t get all the weirdness in.  Let’s face it, that only has two wings.  He left off the feet entirely.  He only made one of them because…well…doing four would just be silly.  And he had to resort to a cow head because he couldn’t find an ox apparently.  But it does give you a taste for just how asinine this whole story is.

Yes….I know Christians, it was a vision.  It’s just that visions like this tend to come from LSD and not a dude who lives in the clouds.  So telling me how it makes sense is probably just going to amuse me.

 

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Stupid Question of the Week – Is Homosexuality Entropy

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I really ought to do these more often.  I hang out on Yahoo Answers all the time, and holy crap to we get some winners.

Here’s today’s entry

Capture

We went back and forth a little in my answer.  He totally doesn’t get what entropy even is, let alone have a clue how to apply it.  I gave him a link to Websters Dictionary and he still said it was wrong.  Entropy

This is very common in creationist circles.  I love to ask someone who tries the line that it prevent evolution what the units are for entropy.  I’ve yet to have them know that it’s Joules, BTUs or some other energy measurement.

So guys…and I know you creationists read this, here’s the physics lesson.

Entropy is the amount of energy in a system not available for work.  It’s an indirect measure of order (whatever that is, you can’t quantify it) in that things we see as order hold energy in a way that it isn’t available.

What that means is if you have something pumping in energy, you are going to get more order because at least some of the energy is going to end up stored that way.  You get it?  The Sun is pumping energy into Earth all the time.  It has to get more order.

In a closed system it tends to decrease.  Earth has a huge source of energy being added.  It ain’t closed.

End of lesson.

Sexual preference isn’t even in the ball park here….  Neither is growing old or much of anything else related to biology with it’s complex energy patterns.  Now a snowflake going through sublimation without additional energy, thats Entropy at work.

And he wonders why I think he’s stupid.  As usual I’ll try to let him know I posted this so he can respond.

 

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Stupid Bible Stories part 135 – Biblical Blowjobs

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download ronald-blow-jobSong of Solomon 2:1-3 KJV
(1) I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys.
(2) As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters.
(3) As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

“His fruit was sweet to my taste”

Now that’s pretty obvious there.  Who would think the Bible would talk about oral sex?  You know….bobbing the knob, sucking cock, fellatio, smokin’ the pole….

Yeah….I know, juvenile.  But it’s still funny.

I would also sincerely like to apologize for the included photo.  Some girl going down on Ronald McDonald is totally inappropriate and I shouldn’t be allowed to blog anymore.  It’s pretty obvious that I’m going to Hell.

Oh wait….I don’t believe in Hell.  Well…that’s good news anyhow.

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Stupid Bible Stories part 134 – Kill Them All…..Except the Virgins

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Numbers 31:15-18 KJV
(15) And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive?
(16) Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD.
(17) Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.
(18) But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Moses wasn’t just happy with killing off the men and enslaving the rest.  He tells them to kill off the little boys and any woman that is not a virgin.

The virgins they are just going to keep for themselves.  Apparently they are good enough to be sex slaves for the Hebrews.

You know, there is a commandment that says “thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.”  But there isn’t one that says “though shalt not rape.”   Seems like God has his priorities a bit fucked up here.  Let’s face facts, Moses is his boy.  And Moses is telling them that keeping the virgins for themselves is great.  Killing off little baby boys, totally cool.  You were married?  Ah…capital punishment with no appeal.

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