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Capture

So this probably isn’t a troll here.  I’ve heard this date three times the last week but I’m not sure where they are getting it.  That’s always the problem with stupid questions, you can’t tell if they are real or not.  I’d like to stick with the real ones.

The thing that gets me is that this Rapture thing isn’t even Biblical.  This is a new thing that only dates back about 150 years.  I’ve read the Bible cover to cover twice.  It ain’t there folks.  So not only do I think you are idiots for believing something that crazy, most Christians know you are idiots about it too.  But the same way you read in that something that isn’t there, you manage to keep reading in dates that come and go with nothing happing.

It does however bring back fond memories of the May 21, 2011 date.  Holy crap, that went on for a year at least.  Idiots were quitting their jobs and going around the country telling everyone about it.  The reaction when it didn’t happen was priceless.  See, May 21 happens to be my birthday.  What an amazing present that was.

I’d love to know where the date is coming from.  If any of you know either hit the comments or email me with the contact form and I’ll update things here.  It would be funnier with a source of the madness.  I just can’t find it.

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starsJoel 3:12-16 KJV
12 Let the heathen be wakened, and come up to the valley of Jehoshaphat: for there will I sit to judge all the heathen round about.
13 Put ye in the sickle, for the harvest is ripe: come, get you down; for the press is full, the fats overflow; for their wickedness is great.
14 Multitudes, multitudes in the valley of decision: for the day of the LORD is near in the valley of decision.
15 The sun and the moon shall be darkened, and the stars shall withdraw their shining.
16 The LORD also shall roar out of Zion, and utter his voice from Jerusalem; and the heavens and the earth shall shake: but the LORD will be the hope of his people, and the strength of the children of Israel.

The stars will withdraw their shining…..

This shows a very basic misunderstanding of how the Universe is put together.  Most of the stars we see stopped shining a long time ago.  We’re just seeing the light stream that they made when they were shining.  If one that’s only a million light years away stopped today we wouldn’t notice for a million years.

Then theres that second bit about the heavens and Earth shaking.  OK, Earth does have earthquakes and it does shake.  Outerspace however can’t shake and if it did we wouldn’t notice.

 

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Joel 2:1-3 KJVangel sounding trumpet
1 Blow ye the trumpet in Zion, and sound an alarm in my holy mountain: let all the inhabitants of the land tremble: for the day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand;
2 A day of darkness and of gloominess, a day of clouds and of thick darkness, as the morning spread upon the mountains: a great people and a strong; there hath not been ever the like, neither shall be any more after it, even to the years of many generations.
3 A fire devoureth before them; and behind them a flame burneth: the land is as the garden of Eden before them, and behind them a desolate wilderness; yea, and nothing shall escape them.

Sure sound the alarm.  God is coming today.

No wonder these guys all think that this is about to happen.  This was written thousands of years ago, so it must be any day now.

How many times are you guys wanting to look silly sounding alarms for things that are never going to happen?

 

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I’ve been seriously slacking on these.  I’ll try to do better.  For anyone who doesn’t know I hang on Yahoo! Answers a lot and the things that get asked are insane so hilarious.  Today’s entry:

Capture

I know….I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about either.   Parading your ignorance around doesn’t help your case a bit.

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poorLuke 18:18-23 KJV
18 And a certain ruler asked him, saying, Good Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?
19 And Jesus said unto him, Why callest thou me good? none is good, save one, that is, God.
20 Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother.
21 And he said, All these have I kept from my youth up.
22 Now when Jesus heard these things, he said unto him, Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me.
23 And when he heard this, he was very sorrowful: for he was very rich.

It is often very easy to see that Christians don’t actually believe the crap they spew.  If you really and truly believed eternity was at stake, you wouldn’t care about this life a bit.  So following what Jesus says ought to be simple.

Ever see a Christian follow this one?  I’ve heard of Buddhists doing it.  There were orders of Monks that did.  But both only did it when they were entering into a group that would protect them from their own stupidity.  No one does it now.

This thing doesn’t even make sense.  You would die if you just up and did it on your own.  You don’t help the poor by making more poor.  That doesn’t do anything for anyone.  Honestly, I can’t imagine worse advice here.

But still….eternity.  If I really believed that Jesus was God I’d have to go with it.  I really crappy 50 years (if you made it that long) vs. an eternity of bliss is a pretty simple trade.  So Christians, tell me again how you believe this?

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Revelation 19:11-16 KJVE004OLSwordinMouth
11  And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.
12  His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.
13  And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.
14  And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.
15  And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.
16  And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.

Umm….sword coming out of his mouth.   What the hell?????

Seriously, wearing clothing dipped in blood.  What kind of sick crap is this?  And he’s got to have his name written on both his vest and his thigh.  Kinda makes me think of my Mom writing my name on my underwear when I was going to camp.

This is one messed up dude here.  He’s wearing many crowns.  I mean wouldn’t one or two make the point?  And how many names does he have for petes sake.  Faithful and True, one that no one knows but him (apparently it’s a secrete), The Word of God, King of Kings, And Lord of Lords.  That’s four names in only six lines.  I mean decide what the hell you want us to call you there Jesus.

Oh yeah, then there’s the bit about the army being dressed in white linen.  That’s totally what I’d pick for battle.  Why the hell does a god need help with that anyhow?

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bongMatthew 24:25-29 KJV
25 Behold, I have told you before.
26 Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not.
27 For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
28 For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together.
29 Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken:

So this guy is the Son Of God?

Why doesn’t he know that stars are huge?  I mean the Sun is a rather smallish star.  It certainly couldn’t “fall from heaven”  under any circumstances.  If the Earth and Sun did come together somehow the Earth would be doing all the falling.

But tis ass-clown thinks that all the stars are going to fall one day.  This is a direct quote.  He thinks the Moon gives off light and that the stars that are enoumous and light years away are going to fall.  I mean even smoking weed wouldn’t help with this one.  The average stoner wouldn’t say something this idiotic.

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noah arkThis is a serious question here.  I honestly want to know.  I’ve had theists that I like want to talk about it and I always end up laughing at them.

I’m actually embarrassed for someone who reads about Noah and takes it seriously.  It’s impossible about 20 different ways.  How can I stick to a logical conversion about it when the person on the other side is making it plain that they are ignoring what is reasonable and logical.

How can I tell someone what every fourth grader has enough education to know better than?  I mean their book says our problems came because a talking snake tricked one of our grand parents into eating fruit that magically gives them knowledge of good and evil.  Holy crap….I can’t reason with them if they think that.  It’s not even a little rational to think that.

What can I say to someone who thinks a guy could live inside a fish for three days?  What can I possibly say that would let them know that getting a hair cut couldn’t possibly make a guy weaker?  If that’s where you are, logic isn’t going to help.

My position is that the only thing I can do is point and laugh and hope that you snap out of it.  I mean I’m not sure what you are on, but damn it has your brain working rather oddly.

I’d like it to be different.  I’d like to be able to talk about it and use logic and reason.  I wouldn’t come across as such a dick.   But I can’t.  Logic and reason on a a person who has obviously decided against it is like giving medicine to the dead.

If any of you guys think you can, please comment.  I’d love to hear it.

 

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cherubEzekiel 1:1-6 KJV
1 Now it came to pass in the thirtieth year, in the fourth month, in the fifth day of the month, as I was among the captives by the river of Chebar, that the heavens were opened, and I saw visions of God.
2 In the fifth day of the month, which was the fifth year of king Jehoiachin’s captivity,
3 The word of the LORD came expressly unto Ezekiel the priest, the son of Buzi, in the land of the Chaldeans by the river Chebar; and the hand of the LORD was there upon him.
4 And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.
5 Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.
6 And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.

Well….I guess that answers the title question.  He was high as ****.  The dude was seeing crap that looked like a man, but had four faces and four wings.

What he is describing here is a Cherub.  No they aren’t the cute little babies with a bow that you’ve heard about.  Apparently theses things can burn you up if they don’t hide their firey body with the wings.

Now I’ve been pretty drunk before, but nothing like this.  Holy crap….  And then he came and told other people what he saw and for some weird reason they took it seriously.  This bronze age stoner is considered a prophet now.

And then Christians can’t figure out why I think they are gullible to the point of stupidity.

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So I ran across this on Amazon

 

Click the photo if you want one

Totally cool for you in the closet atheists that get drug to church all the time.  It might actually be enjoyable this way.

I would love to give it a test run for you, but I know that I couldn’t pull it off.  No one would buy it.  But it does make me wonder how many Christians engage in such behavior too.  Let’s face it, not many of us could pull it off.  It has a market.  Gotta mostly be them.

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