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I’ve been seriously slacking on these.  I’ll try to do better.  For anyone who doesn’t know I hang on Yahoo! Answers a lot and the things that get asked are insane so hilarious.  Today’s entry:

Capture

I know….I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about either.   Parading your ignorance around doesn’t help your case a bit.

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poorLuke 18:18-23 KJV
18 And a certain ruler asked him, saying, Good Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?
19 And Jesus said unto him, Why callest thou me good? none is good, save one, that is, God.
20 Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother.
21 And he said, All these have I kept from my youth up.
22 Now when Jesus heard these things, he said unto him, Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me.
23 And when he heard this, he was very sorrowful: for he was very rich.

It is often very easy to see that Christians don’t actually believe the crap they spew.  If you really and truly believed eternity was at stake, you wouldn’t care about this life a bit.  So following what Jesus says ought to be simple.

Ever see a Christian follow this one?  I’ve heard of Buddhists doing it.  There were orders of Monks that did.  But both only did it when they were entering into a group that would protect them from their own stupidity.  No one does it now.

This thing doesn’t even make sense.  You would die if you just up and did it on your own.  You don’t help the poor by making more poor.  That doesn’t do anything for anyone.  Honestly, I can’t imagine worse advice here.

But still….eternity.  If I really believed that Jesus was God I’d have to go with it.  I really crappy 50 years (if you made it that long) vs. an eternity of bliss is a pretty simple trade.  So Christians, tell me again how you believe this?

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Revelation 19:11-16 KJVE004OLSwordinMouth
11  And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.
12  His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.
13  And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.
14  And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.
15  And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.
16  And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.

Umm….sword coming out of his mouth.   What the hell?????

Seriously, wearing clothing dipped in blood.  What kind of sick crap is this?  And he’s got to have his name written on both his vest and his thigh.  Kinda makes me think of my Mom writing my name on my underwear when I was going to camp.

This is one messed up dude here.  He’s wearing many crowns.  I mean wouldn’t one or two make the point?  And how many names does he have for petes sake.  Faithful and True, one that no one knows but him (apparently it’s a secrete), The Word of God, King of Kings, And Lord of Lords.  That’s four names in only six lines.  I mean decide what the hell you want us to call you there Jesus.

Oh yeah, then there’s the bit about the army being dressed in white linen.  That’s totally what I’d pick for battle.  Why the hell does a god need help with that anyhow?

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bongMatthew 24:25-29 KJV
25 Behold, I have told you before.
26 Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not.
27 For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
28 For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together.
29 Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken:

So this guy is the Son Of God?

Why doesn’t he know that stars are huge?  I mean the Sun is a rather smallish star.  It certainly couldn’t “fall from heaven”  under any circumstances.  If the Earth and Sun did come together somehow the Earth would be doing all the falling.

But tis ass-clown thinks that all the stars are going to fall one day.  This is a direct quote.  He thinks the Moon gives off light and that the stars that are enoumous and light years away are going to fall.  I mean even smoking weed wouldn’t help with this one.  The average stoner wouldn’t say something this idiotic.

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noah arkThis is a serious question here.  I honestly want to know.  I’ve had theists that I like want to talk about it and I always end up laughing at them.

I’m actually embarrassed for someone who reads about Noah and takes it seriously.  It’s impossible about 20 different ways.  How can I stick to a logical conversion about it when the person on the other side is making it plain that they are ignoring what is reasonable and logical.

How can I tell someone what every fourth grader has enough education to know better than?  I mean their book says our problems came because a talking snake tricked one of our grand parents into eating fruit that magically gives them knowledge of good and evil.  Holy crap….I can’t reason with them if they think that.  It’s not even a little rational to think that.

What can I say to someone who thinks a guy could live inside a fish for three days?  What can I possibly say that would let them know that getting a hair cut couldn’t possibly make a guy weaker?  If that’s where you are, logic isn’t going to help.

My position is that the only thing I can do is point and laugh and hope that you snap out of it.  I mean I’m not sure what you are on, but damn it has your brain working rather oddly.

I’d like it to be different.  I’d like to be able to talk about it and use logic and reason.  I wouldn’t come across as such a dick.   But I can’t.  Logic and reason on a a person who has obviously decided against it is like giving medicine to the dead.

If any of you guys think you can, please comment.  I’d love to hear it.

 

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cherubEzekiel 1:1-6 KJV
1 Now it came to pass in the thirtieth year, in the fourth month, in the fifth day of the month, as I was among the captives by the river of Chebar, that the heavens were opened, and I saw visions of God.
2 In the fifth day of the month, which was the fifth year of king Jehoiachin’s captivity,
3 The word of the LORD came expressly unto Ezekiel the priest, the son of Buzi, in the land of the Chaldeans by the river Chebar; and the hand of the LORD was there upon him.
4 And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.
5 Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.
6 And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.

Well….I guess that answers the title question.  He was high as ****.  The dude was seeing crap that looked like a man, but had four faces and four wings.

What he is describing here is a Cherub.  No they aren’t the cute little babies with a bow that you’ve heard about.  Apparently theses things can burn you up if they don’t hide their firey body with the wings.

Now I’ve been pretty drunk before, but nothing like this.  Holy crap….  And then he came and told other people what he saw and for some weird reason they took it seriously.  This bronze age stoner is considered a prophet now.

And then Christians can’t figure out why I think they are gullible to the point of stupidity.

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So I ran across this on Amazon

 

Click the photo if you want one

Totally cool for you in the closet atheists that get drug to church all the time.  It might actually be enjoyable this way.

I would love to give it a test run for you, but I know that I couldn’t pull it off.  No one would buy it.  But it does make me wonder how many Christians engage in such behavior too.  Let’s face it, not many of us could pull it off.  It has a market.  Gotta mostly be them.

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parental_advisory_explicit_content-436x300Song of Solomon 5:1-5 KJV
1 I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk: eat, O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved.
2 I sleep, but my heart waketh: it is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew, and my locks with the drops of the night.
3 I have put off my coat; how shall I put it on? I have washed my feet; how shall I defile them?
4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.
5 I rose up to open to my beloved; and my hands dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock.

OK we all knew the Bible has some interesting sex stuff in it.  This one though is about anal sex it seems to me.  That whole “bowels moved” bit seems pretty obvious here.

The whole book of the Songs of Solomon is pretty much one sexual reference after another.  What the heck….were the guys who compiled it just looking for porn here?

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Genesis 4:14-17 KJVLand-of-Nod-East-of-Eden
14 Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.
15 And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.
16 And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden.
17 And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.

So we all know the creation fable in the Bible.  Adam is made by God from dirt.  Then God takes one on Adams ribs and makes Eve.  Then the talking snake gets them tossed out of Eden for telling them that knowledge is a good thing and they agree.  They have a a couple of kids (maybe more, it’s a little open ended) named Cain and Able.  Cain gets crap from God because his sacrifice wasn’t blood like Able’s, so he gets pissed and kills Able….because….well just because.  God then sends him away and he goes to live with people in the Land of Nod where he has a wife and a kid named Enoch.

The only problem here is where the %$#% did this people in the Land of Nod come from?  There wasn’t anyone else around.  That’s the story.  But out of nowhere this whole big place comes up where a brother murder can go and find chicks to shack up with.

Heck there was enough people here they needed a whole city.  It’s a pretty big jump no matter how you cut it.

The other thing about this that is pretty silly is that God marked Cain so that anyone who found him should kill him.  Well, that apparently didn’t work too well.  He’s out having kids and building cities and just having a fine time and no one lifts a finger to stop him.  You’d think that if an all powerful being wanted you dead, you’d damn well be dead.

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turtles-queen-wilhelmina-state-park-arkLeviticus 15:25-30 KJV
25 And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean.
26 Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation.
27 And whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean, and shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
28 But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean.
29 And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.
30 And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness.

OK, so God thinks that a woman is unclean when she is menstruating.   It’s wrong for a man to even be around her.    Heck, everything she even touches is dirty too.  I mean were people really this screwed up back then?  Normal body functions were cause to have to remove yourself totally from society.  But that’s not even the stupid part.

The thing that caught my eye was the way to be clean again.  You have to sacrifice at the alter.  And it’s very specific about what.  God wants two turtles.

TWO TURTLES……

What the heck.  Turtles.  I mean how the &#*@ is that going to help?  Is there something valuable about a turtle?  Maybe we should be researching exactly what it is about a turtle that would make you clean.  I can see it now, mass dissection of turtles looking for what it is that God might possibly want in them.

I’ve actually lost sleep over this one.  What the hell could anyone want with turtles?  It’s just staggering.

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